FFVII Bloopers

And again I will warn you:

WARNING:  THERE ARE MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR FINAL FANTASY VII on this page.  There are also a few SPOILERS for CHRONO TRIGGER and FINAL FANTASY VI.  Each separate Blooper still has its original SPOILERS warning, which will warn you which posts contain spoilers for which games.  (Bloopers that just have a 'SPOILERS' are referring to FFVII.  Any Blooper with spoilers for the other games says specifically which game is spoiled in that Blooper.)

Don't want any spoilers?  HOME.  Although I don't know why you would've come in the first place...

The format may be piss-poor, but they're here.  They're still in the same form that they appeared in originally, meaning there're lots of posts from the topic that don't actually have much (or anything) to do with the actual story..

From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/26/2004 10:02:17 PM | Message Detail

(The first reactor raid.)

Director: "Ok, let me start off by saying how happy I am to be working with such a great group of actors. I've heard nothing but great things from the crew."

Cloud: "(Ok guys, we can give the crew back their pets now.)"

Barret: "(Damn, I was starting to like the camera guy's cat.)"

Director: "So everyone's read their lines, right?"

Cloud: "What lines?"

Director: "Heheh, good one Cloud."

Cloud: "(Good what?)"

(Cloud jumps off of the train)

Barret: "Follow me, new comber."

Director: "Cut! Barret, the line is 'New Comer'. (Besides, it's obvious he doesn't comb his hair.)"

Barret: "My bad."

(they meet the rest of AVALANCHE and proceed down the reactor)

Barret: "This your first time in a reactor?"

Cloud: "No. After all, I did work for Shinra."

Barret: "These reactors are sucking the life force out of this planet. We've gotta do something or the planet will die."

Cloud: "I'm not here for a lecture."

Barret: "That's it! You're coming with me from now on."

(Barret walks up to Cloud and joins the party)

Director: "Cut! Where the hell did you go, Barret?"

Barret: "Whadya mean? I'm right here."

Director: "Where?"

Cloud: "Haven't you ever directed an RPG before? Only the main character is visible outside of battle and cut-scenes."

Director: "I see...or rather, I don't see."

Cloud: "I don't get it."

Director: "Well you see, it's a joke based on the fact that I understand, but I don't actually see."

Barret: "(I don't get it.)"

Cloud: "(Neither do I.)"

Director: "(Actually, I don't get it either...)"

(they set the bomb and Guard Scorpion attacks)

Barret: "Holy crap!"

Cloud: "Careful Barret! Attack while its tail's up! It's gunna counter with its laser."

Barret: "Buh? So...I should attack now?"

Cloud: "No, its tail's up. I said 'attack while its tail's up, it's gunna counter with its laser."

Barret: "Got it. Attack its tail when it counters our lasers."

Cloud: "No, attack its lasers with our tails as a counter. No...I mean build counters with lasers for our tails."

Barret: "I'm confused...So, give our lasers to its tail so that it can counter us with them?"

Cloud: "Yes. I mean...no. Give it our tails so it can laser our counters."

Barret: "Oh, I get it. Tail its lasers so we can counter it."

Cloud: "Right. Don't attack while its tail is up."


From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/25/2004 8:08:07 PM | Message Detail

(The scene where Cloud meets Aeris for the first time.)

Cloud: "Oh jeez, are you OK?"

Aeris: "Yeah, I'm fine. Would you like to buy a flower?"

Cloud: "What? Does it look like I want a damn flower? I mean, come on, I just blew up a freakin reactor and killed a ton of innocent people lady. You think your crappy flowers are just gunna make everything better? Wow, you need help lady. Maybe if they were free, or edible, MAYBE."

Director: "Cut! Cloud, you were supposed to just buy one. It's one gil. OK, take two, and this time just buy the flower."


Aeris: "Yeah, I'm fine. Would you like to buy a flower?"

Cloud: "Are you kidding me? I just told you, I don't want a damn - "

Director: "Cut! Cloud!"

Cloud: "Oh, my bad. Ok, I got it this time.


Cloud: "Oh, sure, I can afford one gil for a flower. Thank you so much for selling me this. I feel soooo much better now. I think I'll go - "

Director: "Cloud, you're talking to a coat rack."

Cloud: "Oh. Wow, I really thought it was Aeris. This coat rack can really act!"

Director: "(...better than Aeris anyway...I can see how he got confused.)"


Director: "Ok, get it right this time. Action!"

Cloud: "Sure I'll buy a flower. Here's a gil."

Aeris: "This is a fish gill. And it's...half eaten. What happened to it?"

Cloud: "...It was just a snack to hold me until I got this flower. (munch munch munch)"

Director: "Cut! Cloud, those are prop flowers. They're made of plastic."

Cloud: "Oh. (munch). No wonder they taste so bad. (munch)"


Director: "OK, this is absolutely the last take. Action!"

Cloud: "Why sure I'll buy a flower. Here's a Gil."

Aeris: "Why thank you. Here's your flower."

Cloud: "Haha! Now I'm gunna take it home and plant it! Then I'll start my own flower business. I'll be able to eat all the flowers I want. See you in the slums, idiot! HAHAHAHAHAH!"

Director: "...Perfect, that's a wrap."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/27/2004 9:59:13 PM | Message Detail

(Walking through the tunnels for the second reactor raid.)

Cloud: “Hmmm…some sort of light barricade. You think it’ll hurt if we try to go through it?”

Barret: “Dunno…maybe we should just try that vent over there.”

Tifa: “Are you kidding? The controls are so messed up it could take us hours to get through there.”

Cloud: “Yeah, Tifa’s right. I’m taking my chances with the beams.”

(Cloud gets a running start and jumps face-first recklessly at the beams, and is immediately electrified.)

Cloud: “(bzzzzt) Gyahhh! My face! Well, I guess that’s out of the question.”

Director: “No, it’s supposed to let you through. Try it again.”

Cloud: “Alright. (bzzzzzztztztzt) OH GOD IT HURTS!”

Director: “(heheh)”

(The group plants the bomb on the reactor.)

Cloud: “Hey, how come there’s no time limit this time?”

Barret: “What do you mean?”

Cloud: “You know, like last time. There was a display up in that corner of the screen that said how long we had until the bomb blew up. Now there’s nothing.”

Director: “(Hmmm…looks like those beams fried his brain…Meh, maybe I can write a split-personality thing into the story somehow.)”

(The group defeats Air Buster and Cloud is hanging from the plate.)

Tifa: “Barret, can’t you do something?!”

Barret: “…Not even if I wanted to.”

(Cloud wakes up in Aeris’s church.)

Aeris: “You Ok?”

Cloud: “I guess so. Did I fall or something?”

Aeris: “Yeah. You’re in a church in the Sector Five slums. The roof and this flower bed must’ve broken your fall.”

Cloud: “You’re crazy lady. Even water wouldn’t have broken my fall from that high up. A church and some pathetic flowers? Man, you must be like, the world’s stupidest person or something. Hahahaa, a church breaking my fall. That’s sooooo dumb. Let me write that one down for later…”

Aeris: “…Well, it’s not really a church, it’s more of a…house of shaman. You know, like the toilet paper?”

Cloud: “Oh.”

Director: “(Maybe I shouldn’t let them be in the same room together…I can only take so much idiocy before I start writing people out of the script…)”

(Reno enters the room.)

Reno: "I want that girl."

Cloud: "Yeah, Ok, whatever, just take her. She's not worth anything to me. I mean, she's just some weirdo from the slums. Why should I protect her? If she was, like, gunna summon some mighty planet-saving force later or something, then I might save her. But as far as I know, she's as useless as Cait Sith."

Reno: "Who the hell's Cait Sith?"

Cloud: "How the hell would I know?  Who do I look like, Tetsuya Nomura?"

Director: "(smacks forehead)"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/28/2004 8:57:06 PM | Message Detail

(Wall Market)

Inn Guy: “Welcome to Walmart – I mean Wall Market…yeah, that’s what I meant. (I hope none of those corporate guys got that on tape…I can’t afford another law suit.) Please, enjoy yourselves. And make sure you stay in my wonderful inn tonight!”

Cloud: “Go to hell, jerkface. Damn greeters, always so freakin’ cheery. Low prices my ass! Imagine how much this place could save if it got rid of all these stupid greeters. Then they could pass the savings on to us! But do these greedy corporations care about the consumers?”

Inn Guy: “Woah, I’m sorry man. I don’t want any trouble.”

Cloud: “No, I’m really asking. Do they care?”

Inn Guy: “Uhhh…how should I know? I’m just a greeter. I’m as useless as her (gestures towards Aeris)!”

Aeris: “Hey! Cloud, are you gunna let him get away with that?”

Cloud: “He’s not my enemy. It’s the corporate guys I’m mad at.”

Aeris: “I meant the insult.”

Cloud: “Insult? He said he was as useless, not less useless.”

Aeris: “Oh. You’re right. Thanks for the compliment, Inn Guy!”

(they discover that Tifa is in the Don’s mansion)

Cloud: “Well, we need a plan to get in there…”

Aeris: “Can’t we just bust on in? I mean, if we get the option to bust on into the Shinra building later, shouldn’t we get to bust into this place? I mean, come on, the security isn’t nearly as good as Shinra’s.”

Cloud: “Holy crap, you can see the future!”

Director: “(…)”

Aeris: “Uhhh…yeah, that’s right…anyway, let’s go find you a dress.”

Cloud: “Where are we gunna find a dress? This is Wall Market. All they have are walls.”

Aeris: “You stole that line from The Simple Life, that show on FOX, didn’t you?”

Cloud: “So? Who do you think is sponsoring this movie?”

Director: “(Oh, so THAT’S what’s wrong here…)”

(they get a dress and wig for Cloud and head toward the mansion)

Aeris: “We’re back. I mean, I’m back, and she’s here for the first time (shifty eyes).”

Guard: “Nice try, but I can clearly tell that he’s just that guy from earlier with a dress and a wig. How dumb do think I am? I mean, come on, his sword is sticking about two feet out of the back of that dress. Plus, I was only like, four feet away when you discussed your plan earlier. Didn’t you realize I could hear you? You two must be the dumbest people ever.”

Director: “(That guy’s a genius! I should hire him…)”

Cloud: “…Look over there (points)!”

Guard: “What?  Where?  (looks)”

Cloud: “(Slices the guard in half.)”

Director: “(Dang.)”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/28/2004 8:58:46 PM | Message Detail

(Train Graveyard)

Tifa: “Come on, we’ve got to hurry. Sector Seven’s gunna be destroyed!”

Cloud: “Right. Now, which way should we go…”

Aeris: “What, are you blind? There’s a ladder right in front of your face.”

Tifa: “Hmmm, which way indeed…”

Aeris: “Helllloooo, there’s a freakin’ ladder right there!”

Cloud: “Hey, look! Here’s a ladder. Wow, who woulda ever thought that there’d be a ladder up against the end of an unused train car like this? Isn’t it convenient? I mean, it’s right where we need it. Who’da thunk it?”

Aeris: “I did!”

Tifa: “You hear somethin’?”

Cloud: “Notta thing.”

Battle occurs.)

Cloud: “Just two ghosts…no need to waste any magic. Let’s just attack them normally.”

(Tifa attacks one. It disappears.)

Cloud: “Oh crap, I already pressed circle to attack that same ghost that just disappeared.”

Second Ghost: “Ahhahahah! You totally fell for it! What a stupid pile of crap! You’re soooo useless! Even more useless than her (gestures at Aeris)!”

Aeris: “Hey! (attacks the visible ghost, but does an inexcusably small amount of damage)”

Second Ghost: “See what I mean?”

Cloud: “…Shouldn’t you have disappeared?”

Second Ghost: “Oh yeah...”

(The group progresses to the train engines.)

Cloud: “Some engines…it looks like we could progress if we could start them up and move them.”

Tifa: “No problem. I’ve got some old train keys.”

Aeris: “Really? Where?”

Tifa: “The safest place on this planet – My bar, in Sector Seven.”

Cloud: “…”

Aeris: “…”

Director: “…”

Tifa: “What? Oh, right…the whole plate falling and smashing everything in Sector Seven thing…sorry, I forgot.”

Cloud: “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just start them somehow, even though none of these trains should work, seeing as this is a train graveyard. And it doesn’t matter that I have no experience with trains either. I’ll just start them somehow.”

Tifa: “Seems reasonable.”

(The group gets to the base of the pillar. Wedge falls right in front of them.)

Cloud: “Oh man, are you alright, Wedge?!”

Wedge: “Uhhhh, I’m badly hurt. If there woulda been some pitiful flowers or a church here, I’d probably be fine.”

Cloud: “We already had this discussion. Churches and flowers aren’t enough to break a fall from that high. You’d have to have some sort of – “

Wedge: “Well, it wouldn’t really be a church…it’d be more of …a house of shaman. You know, like the toilet paper?”

Director: “(I’m glad he’s about to get smashed.)”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/25/2004 9:49:06 PM | Message Detail

(The air duct scene above the conference room in the Shinra HQ building.)

Barret: "That's a lotta suits."

Tifa: "Yeah. Let's listen in."

Reeve: "I have the estimates to rebuild Sector Seven. Considering all of the factories we had there, the cost to rebuild will probably be about - "

President Shinra: "We're not rebuilding."

Reeve: "What?"

President Shinra: "Sector Seven. You know, the place that got destroyed?"

Director: "(...wow, that sounded like something Cloud would say.)"

President Shinra: "Anyway, we're not rebuilding. We're restarting the Neo-Midgar plan."

Reeve: "Then the Promised Land?"

President Shinra: "No. How could we rebuild that? We don't even know if it exists."

Director: "(Gyah, the stupidity! Meh, I'll just have Sephiroth impale him later for no good reason...)"

President Shinra: "Now let's take advantage of the people. Rate Hike!!!"

Reeve: "The people will lose confidence, Mr President."

President: "Nah, the people will only trust us more. After all, we saved Sector Seven from AVALANCHE!"

Barret: "That dirty bastard. Let's get him later, right Cloud? Cloud...?"

Tifa: "Where'd he go?"

(a toilet flushes in the distance)

Tifa: "Gurk! Oh geez, that's horrid!"

Barret: "Uhhg, I'm gunna puke!"

(Barret pukes through the grate.)

Scarlet: "What the hell? Did that grate just puke?"

Barret: "(uhhh...uhhhh...) [in a low echoing voice] NO."

Scarlet: "Hey, who's in there? Guards!"

Tifa: "Uh oh, we'd better run for it!"

Barret: "Ahh, I'm pushing up but I'm going down. What the hell?!!"

Tifa: "Damn controller setup! Why didn't they make it easier to get through these ducts?!!"

Assistant: "(What the hell are they talking about?)"

Director: "(I don't even care anymore...)"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/22/2004 10:34:37 PM | Message Detail

(The scene where we first meet Red XIII.)

Director: “Action!”

Aeris: “Oh no! Some sort of Dog! Cloud, can’t you help me?”

Cloud: “Barret, shoot the glass.”

Barret: “(Shoots glass.)”

(The chamber fills with smoke.)

Hojo: “No! My beautiful experiments!” (Hojo opens the chamber.)

Cloud: “…Aeris?" (Walks into the chamber to look for Aeris.)

Cloud: “OH GOD!”

Tifa: “What is it Cloud?”

Cloud: “Oh man, it’s terrible! There’s guts and fur everywhere. Someone get some buckets and a few rolls of Bounty.”

Barret: “What? Was I supposed to use blanks?”

Cloud: “I don’t know. Let’s check the script.”

Director: “(There’s a script?)”

Cloud: “Hey, here it is. Looks like someone wrote in ‘Live Ammunition’ over top of blanks...”

Director: “Whoever it was gets a raise. Now…we're going to need a new Aeris and Red XIII…”


Director: “OK, what’d we come up with?”

Cloud: “Well, we found a
Chihuahua out in the street to be the new Red, but we didn’t have much luck with a new Aeris…It seems everyone’s heard that this project is suicidal for careers.”

Director: “(Mine’s certainly over…)”

Director: “Ahhh, screw it. We’ll just write her out of the story somehow. Ideas?”

Cloud: “Boating accident?”

Tifa: “Rabid owl attack?”

Barret: “Script reading error?”

Chihuahua: “Bark bark!”

Director: “Alright. Someone go get a tree costume. (…first day on the job and it’s already infinitely more valuable than Red…)”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/23/2004 2:58:06 PM | Message Detail

(This scene obviously never actually happens in the game. I’m just going to use it to build on the last part and future parts.)

Director: “Ok, here’s the plan. On the way to Nibelheim, a giant tree monster attacks the party. The tree monster grabs Aeris and rips her to shreds before anyone can do anything about it. Yuffie, you’ll play the part of Aeris.”

Yuffie: “Then who’s gunna play my part?”

Director: “Well, it’s going to be an FMV part, so you’ll be inexplicably left out.”

Cloud: “(…Not like anyone will notice or care.)”

Director: “Everyone ready? Alright then, Action!”

Tifa: “Yawn…this sure is a long, uneventful walk.”

Barret: “Sure is. Nothin’ at all is happening.”

Cloud: “Uh huh. And it doesn’t look like anything’s gunna happen either.”

Director: “(…How can they be this horrible?) Cue the damn tree monster.”

Assistant: “Yes sir. Tree Costume Guy, you’re on!”

TCG: “Grahhh blah snort!”

Director: “(Where do we get these idiots? Meh, he’s still better than Cait Sith…)”

Tifa: “Cloud, it’s got Aeris!”

Cloud: “No it doesn’t. That’s just Yuffie, remember?”

Director: “(Unbelievable…)”

TCG: “Breety gooh nord jeed!”

Director: “(...What the hell?) Ok, just dump the buckets of guts on them.”

Barret: “Oh man, Aeris is dead! You’re going down, tree guy!”

(The group fights the tree monster and wins.)

Cloud: “So…now what? Do we…ask him to join us?” Or do we just let it go?”

Director: “Take it with you. (Maybe the rest of you will learn something from its acting…)”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/20/2004 10:46:12 PM | Message Detail

(The Kalm flashback scene where Cloud and Sephiroth fight monsters.)

Director: "Action!"

(A Dragon approaches.)

Sephiroth: "And now I will simply destroy you with a nice casting of Bolt 3!" (casts it)

(The dragon has a reflect ring on.)

Sephiroth: "What the hell?!! (gets blasted)”

Director: "Cut! Take that ring off you idiot. And we can see your feet! Go get that costume fixed. OK, we're gunna need a new Sephiroth...”


Rufus (with a grey wig and a silver broom stick): "I will smite thee, oh Evil Dragon of Nibelheim!"

Director: "(Terrible...)

Rufus: "How was that?"

Director: "Oh...it was...perfect! That's all we need from you. How about you go...over there now."

Director: "OK, I can handle this. We'll just use Sephiroth's body like a puppet. Go get some string."

Sephiroth: "Hey, I'm still alive you know."

Director: "(The puppet idea would still be an improvement...)"

Sephiroth: "What was that?"

Director: "Nothing..."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/20/2004 11:09:50 PM | Message Detail

(The scene where Cloud jumps with the dolphin.)

Director: "Action!"
(Cloud's Stunt Double blows the whistle. Mr Dolphin swims up to him)

CSD: "I wish to jump up to the top of this platform, Mr Dull-Fin."

Director: "(gag)"

CSD: "What the hell?!! No! Get away from me! Ouch! Oh no, don't bite that! Oh god, someone help me!"

Director: "..."
(crew runs into the water to help CSD)
Director: "Anyone who helps him is fired."


Director: "OK, it's a good thing we have this back-up double. Take two. Only this time, Priscilla has a damn pet ladder."

Priscilla: "But...that doesn't make any sense."

Director: "Oh, just give me a reason you little..."
(Priscilla slowly backs away.)
Director: "Action!"

2ndCSD: "(Blows whistle.)"

(A ladder slowly rises out of the water and stretches up to the next level.)

2ndCSD: "(Climbs ladder. Almost gets to the top, and then gets electrified.)"

Director: "Was that a metal ladder? (I'm surrounded by idiots...) You know what, screw it. We’ll just bribe the elevator guard."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/5/2004 10:09:30 PM | Message Detail

I have all of these organized in chronological order in a Word document. GoldMonkey has them posted on his website.

OK, I’m backtracking a bit.
(Junon Harbor, after the Dolphin scene.)

Cloud: “Ok, I finally made it to the top. Let’s see…where should I go now? At least there aren’t any soldiers around…which is sorta suspicious, now that I think about it…A giant airship over there, a couple Gelnika class cargo planes over there, I can hear radio chatter, and yet no one has seen me walking across the runway in plain sight. Meh, I guess it’s not that odd after that Shinra HQ thing where we could just walk around on secure floors and talk to people like nothing was going on.”

(Cloud takes the elevator down and enters the hallway area.)

Cloud: “Uh oh, a guard. Maybe he won’t see me if I sneak along real quiet-like…”

Shinra Commander: “Hey you! The parade starts soon. Get your uniform on.”

Cloud: “[stops moving] (Maybe he wasn’t talking to me…) [continues to creep towards the door]”

Shinra Commander: “HEY! I’m talking to you, the guy sneaking towards the door. Yeah, you. The guy that’s wearing a Soldier outfit. Even though that should mean that you shouldn’t be involved in this at all, I’m still requiring you to be involved. Even though you, judging from your uniform, probably outrank me. That’s right, get over here.”

Cloud: “(Better do what he says…)”

Shinra Commander: “You remember the marching procedures? It’s like this. (They show Cloud the marching procedure.) You shoulder your weapon when I say to.”

Cloud: “Yeah, whatever, I get it.”

(They get to the alley right before starting the march.)

Shinra Commander: “Alright, it’s your turn. Get out there!”

Cloud: “(Starts to march and gets in formation.)”

Shinra Commander: “(Ok…now…) SHOULDER!”

[Every single soldier turns towards the alley and says “Yes Sir?!”]

Director: “(What a stupid joke. Word play…the writers must be desperate for material…)”

(The soldiers train Cloud for the send-off.)

Shinra Commander: “I say square, you do this. Circle, this. Triangle, this. X, this. Right, you turn right. Left, you turn left. Got it?”

Cloud: “No. I could really use some more ti – “

Shinra Commander: “Sorry, but the send-off will begin soon. Let’s move out.”

(They go to the boat dock.)

Shinra Commander: “Ok, Junon Send-Off, BEGIN! Square!”

Cloud: “(Oh crap, what am I supposed to do?...) BRAVER! (Slices the soldier next to him in half.)”

Shinra Commander: “(Uh oh. Uhhhh…) Circle!”

Cloud: “Uhhhhhh…BLADE BEAM!!!! (Destroys the next soldier and knocks the commander and Heidegger down.)”

Heidegger: “Holly crap! Director, shouldn’t you do something?”

Director: “Yeah…TRIANGLE!!!”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/25/2004 10:05:44 AM | Message Detail

(The scene where Barret goes to see Dyne.)

Cloud: "Ok, so we have to find 'the boss'. Anyone know which way we should go?"

Barret: "Not a clue."

Tifa: "Nope."

Yuffie: "Sorry."

Tree Costume Guy: "Grrr blah nerf gooha!"

Cait Sith: "Let me check. (Does the fortune telling dance.) Nope, I'm still useless."

Chihuahua: "...Sniff sniff...yip yip yip!"

Cloud: "What's that Red? North you say? Alright, let's head through that fence then."

Barret: "Uh oh. There're two paths."

Cloud: "...pssst! Director! Which way is it?"

Director: "...The script says...go north."

Director's Assistant: "No it doesn't. Look, right here. It clearly says 'GO RIGHT'. Giant letters. How could you miss it? Going up will just get them lost in the endless - "

Director: "Say one more word and you'll be eating that script."

Assistant: "(eep) OH, I see it now...Yeah, head north."

Director: "(I'm still gunna make you eat it.)"


Cloud: "We've been walking for hours...it's starting to get dark."

Tifa: "Yeah, and cold. Maybe we should stop and make a camp."

Barret: "Yeah, it's freezing Cloud."

Cloud: "OK, we'll build a fire right here."

Cait Sith: "But, we don't have anything to use to burn a fire."

Cloud: "Hmmmm...I wonder what you're made of..."

Cait Sith: "Hey now, don't get any funny ideas. Besides, that guys a damn tree! He'll burn much better."

TCG: "Grrr..."

Tifa: "Wait, there's no need to burn anyone (yet...). Where the hell's the director anyway?"

Cait Sith: "Well, I think he - Hey! What the hell! Let go of me Cloud! Oh, what the hell is that? No, no don't cast that! Aieee!"


Barret: "We're running out of Cait Sith parts to throw on the fire, Cloud. We gotta do something soon..."

Tifa: "Hey look, a carriage!"

Cloud: "We're saved! Barret, go stop them."

Barret: "I'm afraid we're gunna have to confiscate this carriage, sir."

Driver: "Oh, there's no need for that. I'll be happy to drive you back to - "

Barret: "Shut up and get out."

Cloud: "There. Now we'll have plenty of wood to last us through the night."

Yuffie: "Wouldn't it have been smarter to use the carriage to ride back to town?"

(Everyone squints and turns towards Yuffie.)

Cloud: "You know Yuffie, I'm gettin' kinda hungry."

Yuffie: "(Yikes)...Uh, I meant...Great idea with the fire wood Cloud!"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/21/2004 10:47:14 PM | Message Detail

(The optional scene in Gongaga.)

Director: "Action!"
(Cloud, Barret, and Cait Sith enter the screen.)
Cloud: "Uh oh. Turks."

Reno: "That's right. I'm afraid we can't allow you to go any further."

Rude: "Yeah...We must Kung Fu Fight!"

Director: "(Sigh...they didn't practice their lines again…)"
(Cloud and the others win the fight.)

Reno: "We may be trick-or-treating, but we're still Victorians."

Rude: "And...I uh...left a pie in the oven...(checks watch)"

Director's Assistant: "(Shouldn't we cut?)"

Director: "(No. It can only get worse.)"

Cloud: "I don't like this. It's like they knew we were coming."

Cait Sith: "I'm a spy. UHHH...I mean....you think there's a spy?"

Cloud: "I trust everyone. Although...now that you mention it, what's with all the cameras and microphones? You are a spy!"

Barret: "(Uhhh...we're shooting a movie, remember?)"

Cloud: "OH. Right...But what about that mark on your arm that says 'Made By Shinra Inc'?"

Cait Sith: "Ummm...Bug bite?"

Cloud: "Oh. Well, that's reasonable enough. Let's move on."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/22/2004 1:42:49 PM | Message Detail

(The scene in Bugenhagen's planetarium.)

Director: "Action!"

Bugenhagen: "So you see, Shinra is slowly destroying the planet. If something isn't done soon, this planet will die."

Cloud: "(Man this guy's old...guess the planet will be able to count on some life force soon...)"

Bugenhagen: "What was that?"

Cloud: "Nothing. Hey...what's that noise?"

Bugenhagen: "Those are the screams of this planet."

Tifa: "Really? 'Cause it sounds like a person screaming. Are you sure?"

Bugenhagen: "Ho ho ho ho, of course I'm sure!"

Tifa: "Jeez, there was no need to call me names..."

Director: "(The hell there wasn't...)"

Yuffie: "Hey, I think she's right. Look!"

(Sephiroth drops in from above and stabs Bugenhagen.)

Bugenhagen: "Gyah, that smarts!"

Director: "Cut! Sephiroth, this isn't even close to the right scene for that. And he doesn't look anything like Aeris."

Sephiroth: "Right scene for what? I was just tired of hearing him talk. Who the hell is Aeris?"

Director: "(I was tired of him talking too...)"

Tifa: "Shouldn't we get him some help?"

(Everyone squints and slowly turns toward Tifa.)

Sephiroth: "There's still plenty of room on this sword."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/25/2004 6:59:41 PM | Message Detail

(The first visit to
Cosmo Canyon.)

Director: "Well, we programmed a new Cait Sith doll. Is there anything else I should know before we start this scene?"

Cloud: "...uh...yeah. We kinda...maybe...ate the Chihuahua. We got really hungry out in that endless desert."

Director: "You really ate him? ...Why didn't you just eat Yuffie?"

Cloud: "We tried. But she didn't taste nearly as good."

Yuffie: "He's not kidding. He took a bite out of my arm. Look!"

Tifa: "Eeewww. Stop showing us that."

Director: "(Hmmm...that looks like it's really infected bad...Make sure she doesn't get any medical attention. If we're lucky, she'll die.)"

Assistant: "(Yes sir.)"

Director: "You know, I just remembered that we don't have a Bugenhagen either. Ahh, screw it. Let's just make something stupid up."

Assistant: "(You mean like we do for every scene?)"

Director: "What was that?"

Assistant: "Nothing."

Director: "(Hmmm...we need a really stupid idea.) Hey Cloud...how would you like to write the next scene?"

Cloud: "Sure! Heheh, now I can finally use my creative genius!"


Cloud: "OK, so we trade in the busted buggy for this crazy new pogo stick-like invention of mine. It's like a normal pogo stick, only there's a wheel on the bottom instead of a rubber stopper, so it'll be unnecessarily difficult to use. Also, the spots where your feet go will have those painful spikes like mountain bikes do, and you can only use them with bare feet. Oh, and the handles break off after every third bounce."

Director: "WOW...that's...a great idea!"

Tifa: "Uhhh...can't we just bypass the whole buggy-breakdown thing, seeing as we no longer have a reason to stop at Cosmo Canyon?"

Director: "..."

Director: "Build the sticks."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/26/2004 7:09:16 PM | Message Detail

(Getting the Key to the Basement.)

Tifa: "Hey, look. I found this letter over here in the corner."

Barret: "What's it say?"

Tifa: "Looks like some sort of game...there're clues and everything. Should we do it?"

Cloud: "Sure, what the hell, it's not like there's anything better to do. Tifa, you take clue number one, Barret'll take clue two, and...uh..."

(Cloud looks at Yuffie, then Tree Costume Guy, then the new Cait Sith, then back at TCG, then back at Yuffie, then back to Cait Sith, and then at TCG again.)

Cloud: "(Sigh…I wish we hadn't eaten the Chihuahua…) Yuffie, you take the third clue. TCG, you can...uhh...well...you can...make some oxygen for us."

TCG: "Blah dodort wapeel!"

Cloud: "You know, you don't have to just say that crap every time. It's alright if you talk. We'll call it...character development."

Director: "(What a stupid concept.)"

Cloud: "Cait Sith...hmmm...Cait Sith...uhhh...nope, I still can't think of a single thing you're useful for. Anyway, I'll find the safe. Let's go."

(Some time passes…)

Cloud: "Everyone got they're numbers?"

Tifa: "The first one's Right 36."
Barret: "The second one is Left 10."
Yuffie: "The third one's Right 59."

Cloud: "Great. There should be four, but the last one's written in invisible ink, so there's no way to read it."

Tifa: "Then how are we gunna open the safe?"

Cloud: "The last number is 97."

Barret: "How the hell do you know that?"

Cloud: "I read it somehow, even though it's written in invisible ink. No chemicals or light tricks or anything. I just magically read it somehow."

Yuffie: "That makes sense. So where's the safe?"

Cloud: "Follow me."

(Cloud leads everyone into a room.)

Cloud: "There it is guys. So...should we go ahead and open it?"

Yuffie: "That's a toilet, Cloud."

Cloud: "Really? Then what's this knob for?"

Tifa: "Flushing."

Cloud: "Well escuuuuse me! I don't crap much, OK? Sheesh."

Director: "(Why am I still even here?)"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/26/2004 7:51:17 PM | Message Detail

(Meeting Vincent.)

Cloud: "Hey, maybe that key will open this door. Let's try it out."

Tifa: "It worked!"

Yuffie: "Ewwww, coffins! Gross-ness."

Barret: "Uh oh, that one's opening!"

Mysterious Man: "Blah! Dijjy erak calgar!"

TCG: "(He's stealing my lines.)"

Cloud: "Oh crap! A Vampire!"

Director: "CUT! Vincent, what the hell are you doing? That's not what you're supposed to say."

Vincent: "Huh? I'm over here sir."

Director: "Then...who's that?"

Vampire: "My name's Albert. I live here."

Director: "Oh. Well...do you mind? We're shooting a movie here."

Albert: "No, of course not. I mean, this is my place and all, and I haven't left in like, five hundred years, but sure. I'll just drop everything and leave because you're shooting a movie."

Director: "Thank you. Man, that was easier than I -"

Vampire: "I was being sarcastic you jackass. I'm really going to throw a rabid blood-sucking tantrum."

Director: "I see...In that case, let me just close the door here...(locks everyone else in the room)."

Cloud: "Hey! Uh oh, I don't like the look in his eyes..."

Albert: "(grrrr)"

Tifa: "Ahhh! Get it away from me!"

Yuffie: "Cloud, shouldn't we do something?"

Cloud: "...I'm in no hurry..."

Tifa: "Oh god, someone help! Aieee!"

(several hours later)

Tifa: "Please, I'm begging you! Help me!"

Vincent: "(sigh)...Fine. (Throws a Phoenix Down at Albert.)"

Albert: "Psshhh, don't you know those hardly ever hit? You should've used an X-Potion, moron."

Vincent: "Meh. I'll just blast you with this huge gun from point blank range. Oh, what bad luck! I missed!"

Albert: "Muh hahahha! I'm unstoppable!"

Cloud: "Oh yeah? (pulls the blinds on the window)"

Albert: "Nooooo! Light! (dissolves into a really heinous smelling paste)"

Cloud: "Wow, that's rancid. Let's get some of it in a jar so we can get back at the Director later."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/26/2004 8:57:34 PM | Message Detail

(The group exits the basement.)

Cloud: "Well, I guess it's on to the reactor now everyone."

Vincent: "What the hell is that?"

Tifa: "Uh oh, a random battle!"

(Switches to a battle scene.)

Ying Yang: "(Wiggles uselessly for about ten minutes, then does a pitiful attack.)"

Cloud: "Wow, this is gunna take a while..."

Yuffie: "Aww crap, I attacked the wrong side."

Vincent: "Does my ATB always fill this slow?"

Cloud: "What's it doing?"

Ying Yang: "Ying is Happy!"

Tifa: "Who cares?"

Cloud: "It's dancing again...Let's play Monopoly."

(Everyone sits on the ground and plays.)

Yuffie: "Oh, bad luck Tree Costume Guy, you landed on my Board Walk. That'll be - "

Ying Yang: "(Casts Fire 2 on the board.)"

Yuffie: "Awww, dammit! Just when I was starting to win. Oh! My ATB's full again. Titan!!!!!"

Cloud: "...It's still alive...Let's play Life."

(Everyone sits back down.)

Cait Sith: "Whoo hoo! Pay Day!"

Ying Yang: "(Casts Ice 2 on Cait Sith.)"

Cloud: "...Are we sure this thing's our enemy?"

Barret: "It's wiggling again."

Vincent: "I'm taking a nap. Wake me when something happens."

Cloud: "Thank god, my bar is full. Meteorain!!!"

Tifa: "Finally, it's dead. Let's get the hell out of here."

(The group takes ten steps and runs into another random battle.)

Director: "(Not another Ying Yang...we're gunna need more film...)"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/29/2004 6:48:21 PM | Message Detail

(Rocket Town.)

Cloud: "A Shinra emblem...Tiny Bronco...this is so cool."

Yuffie: "I say we take it. I like stealing from the Shinra!"

TCG: "I agree. If we take it, we won't have to use those stupid pogo sticks with the wheels, pointy foot holds, and faulty handles. You know how hard it is to use those in this suit?"

Shera: "Excuse me. What are you doing in my yard?"

Cloud: "Umm...nothing unusual. We're just looking at this plane."

Shera: "BS. You're talking to a guy in a tree costume and you expect me to believe there's nothing unusual going on?"

Cloud: "Yup."

Shera: "Oh. Well, Ok then. If you want to use the plane, you should talk to the captain. He's in the rocket."

Yuffie: "What rocket?"

Shera: "...the one in the middle of the town."

Cloud: "What town?"

Shera: "...this town."

Director: "...aren't you going to say 'What this' or something equally stupid TCG?"

TCG: "No. That's what they're expecting me to say. Besides, I just realized she made fun of my costume, and I'm using all my brain power to come up with a comeback."

Director: "(We could be here for days.)"

(They go talk to the captain.)

Cloud: "Can we borrow your plane?"

Cid: "Sure. I mean, I've never met you, and you have a guy wearing a tree costume in your party, but what could it hurt? Of course you can't have my plane you damn fool."

Cloud: "Dang. Oh well. We'll just take it anyway guys."

Cid: "What'd you say?"

Cloud: "I said we're going to go talk to Rufus. I mean, we're going to go sabotage your rocket. I mean, we're going to go take the Highwind. I mean, we're going to go talk to Shera. I mean, we're going to take the bronco. Yeah...that'll have to do."

Cid: "What was wrong with talking to Shera?"

Cloud: "...You're right. We'll go with that. Forget all that other stuff."

Cid: "Consider it done."

Director: "(Great, just what I needed. Another idiot.)"

(The group goes back to Cid's house.)

Cid: "You haven't made them any tea? What the hell's wrong with you? First you ruin my only chance at space flight, and now this?"

TCG: "What happened with the flight?"

Shera: "I got trashed the night before and puked on the command chair."

Cid: "There was no way in hell I was going to sit on puke in outer space. Think about it. It's absurd!"

TCG: "You're talking to a guy in a tree costume here. Of course I know how absurd the notion of traveling through space while sitting on a vomit-chair is."

Cid: "You and I are going to be good friends TCG."

Director: "(Ugh…)"



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/29/2004 10:37:42 PM | Message Detail

(Rocket Town, Part Two.)

Cid: "Well, if it isn't Fat Man Palmer. Is the space program going to be restarted?"

Palmer: "You call me fat to my face and you expect me to just give you good news? You make me sick. My weight is none of your damn business, OK? I have a disorder. What's wrong with people today? Geez! (storms out of the house)"

Cid: "Wait! I have lard!"

Palmer: "(busts through the wall) GIVE LARD NOW!"

Cid: "Heheh, I was kidding, fat ass."


Cid: "Holy crap, he's gone crazy! (Palmer chases Cid out the front door.)"

Cloud: "I guess we should help him. Let's get in the bronco."

Yuffie: "How are you going to drive it? You don't have any experience with planes."

Cloud: "Hmmm...you're right. Ok, here's the plan. We'll get in the bronco, catch up with Cid and Palmer, then I'll put on this Cid costume and let Palmer chase me. Then Cid can go back to his house, get the bronco, and swoop down to pick me up."

Yuffie: "There's only one problem I can think of with that plan."

Cloud: "Really? What is it?"

Yuffie: "You don't have a Cloud outfit for Cid to wear while you're wearing that Cid outfit."

Cloud: "Can't he just use my costume?"

TCG: "That would just be stupid."

Cloud: "Hmmm...Ok, how about this: I'll put on the tree costume, you put on Cid's costume, Yuffie can wear Aeris's old costume, and then Cid can put on Red XIII's hide, which I just happen to have kept for some reason."

Yuffie: "You're an idiot. Next you'll be suggesting that we carry the bronco."

Cloud: "..."

TCG: "..."

Yuffie: "...Fine, we'll carry it."

(several hours later)

Cid: "Hey Cloud, hurry up with that already!"

Cloud: "Cram it old guy, this thing's heavy."

Yuffie: "Yeah. You know, you could help. We passed Palmer like half a mile ago. He can barely run."

Cid: "Yeah, I was hoping you wouldn't notice that. Fine, I'll help. Where are we headed anyway?"

TCG: "Wait, why are we still pushing this thing? Now that Cid's here, we can just fly it."

Cid: "Oh yeah...(starts the bronco) But there's only one seat. How are we supposed to get everyone on board?"

Cloud: "Hmmm...well, how about you fly it to the temple, then come back, then I'll fly to the temple, then Yuffie, and so on?"

Cid: "I only see one problem with that plan. We don't have a Cloud costume for me to wear while you're wearing my costume - "

Yuffie: "Oh, for the love of god. We'll just use it like a boat."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/22/2004 9:35:33 PM | Message Detail

From: virus gift | Posted: 2/17/2004 8:58:59 PM | Message Detail
Any blooper is a good blooper
"Got Milk?" - Dr. Pepper commercial

From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/17/2004
9:05:47 PM | Message Detail
I think I could come up with some that would disprove that statement.

I can’t resist. The point of this next blooper was to make one that wasn’t funny in the least, but after I wrote it, it was funnier every time I read it. So:

(The Tiny Bronco Scene, Purposely Written in an Attempt to Not Be Funny)

Cloud: "An airplane. Let's look for it's rightful owner and ask nicely if we can borrow it for a while."

Yuffie: "Very well."

Shera: "Hello travelers. Do you wish to borrow the Captain's airplane?"

Cloud: "Yes, we wish to borrow it."

Shera: "Very well. You can find the Captain in the rocket."

TCG: "Thank you, ma'am." (They walk slowly to the rocket.)

Cloud: "Captain, my name is Cloud. A group of friends and I are trying to save the planet, and we would like to borrow your airplane."

Cid: "Very well, we will discuss the matter over tea."

Shera: "The tea is ready, everyone."

Yuffie: "Thank you, ma'am." (sips tea)

Cloud: "(sips tea)"

TCG: "(sips tea)"

Cid: "(sips tea)"

Cloud: "(brushes dirt off of his shirt)"

TCG: "(coughs quietly)"

Cid: "(sips tea)"

Yuffie: "(blinks)"

Shera: "(yawns)"

Cid: "(sips tea)"

Cloud: "(shifts in his chair)"

TCG: "So, may we please borrow the Bronco, Captain?"

Cid: "Yes, you may borrow it, but I insist on accompanying you on your journey."

Cloud: "Very well." (they walk slowly to the Bronco and continue their journey)

Rufus: "I'm here to talk to Cid. Is he in?"

Shera: "I'm sorry, you just missed him, Sir."

Rufus: "Shucks."

So, was that funny at all, or have I lost what was left of my mind? I'm sorry if it wasn't funny, I just thought 'Hey, it's the two hundredth post, why not do something different?'


From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/31/2004 12:42:43 PM | Message Detail

(Wutai Sidequest.)

Yuffie: “I don’t think we should go this way, Cloud. It doesn’t look like there’s anything this way.”

Cloud: “But, this is the first place that was readily accessible after we got the Bronco. According to this Handy Book of RPG Rules, that means that there’s going to be something to do here.”

TCG: “Wow, that’s a cool book. What else does it say?”

Cloud: “It says that characters are usually hiding something when they try to direct the party.”

Yuffie: “That’s a lie!”

TCG: “Oh yeah? Then what’s that behind your back?!!!!”

Yuffie: “My shuriken. I always keep it there.”

TCG: “Oh. Right.”

Cloud: “Come on, let’s just go have a look.”

Yuffie: “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Cloud: “You didn’t warn me.”

Yuffie: “Really? Hmmm…I could’ve sworn I did.”

Cloud: “Nope.”

Yuffie: “That’s it, we’re consulting the stenographer. Hey Stenographer, read back my lines from thirteen lines ago.”

Stenographer: “Thirteen lines ago counting that line or not counting that line?”

Yuffie: “Not counting that one.”

Stenographer: “Counting everyone else’s lines or just yours?”

Yuffie: “…everyone’s.”

Stenographer: “Ok. Now, should I count the lines we just said, or just the ones before my first line?”

Yuffie: “Oh for the love of…just give me the damn paper.”

Stenographer: “That’s against the rules.”

Yuffie: “What rules?”

Cloud: “Right here: ‘No one but the appointed game stenographer may view the line records.’ Page twenty six of the Handy Book of RPG Rules.”

Yuffie: “Argh. Ok then, just start reading off my past seventeen parts, counting this one.”

Stenographer: “That I can do. Here we go: ‘Has anyone seen my garbage bag full of joke umbrellas? Oh, I forgot about his sewing accident. Yes I know what a pain in the ass it is to wear that costume, stop telling me. What’s a stenographer? Hmmm…that might come in handy later. I don’t think we should go this way, Cloud. It doesn’t look like there’s anything this way.”

Cloud: “Ha. I told you so.”

Yuffie: “Crap. Oh well, I’ll just be stealing your materia and running off now.”

Cloud: “Hey! Everyone after her!”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/3/2004 9:32:17 PM | Message Detail

(Searching for Yuffie.)

Cloud: “Hmm…which way first? Let’s just try that building.”


(They enter the weapon shop.)

Cloud: “Hey, have you seen a girl around here lately?”

Weapon Shop Lady: “Nope. I haven’t seen any ninja girls with large amounts of materia walk by for a couple hours now.”

Cloud: “Oh well. Might as well buy a new sword while I’m here…”

WSL: “Sorry, we’re all out of merchandise.”

Cloud: “What, are you kidding? There’s like, ten swords clearly hanging on the wall right behind you.”

WSL: “…Those are display models. I can’t sell them to you.”

Cloud: “I just saw you sell one to that guy over there. You took it right off the wall.”

WSL: “…That’s because…he’s the guy that fixes broken display models?”

Cloud: “Alright, that makes sense.”

(They enter Turtle’s

Cloud: “Uh oh, Turks.”

Reno: “Don’t worry, we’re just here to get trash. We don’t want a fight.”

Cloud: “Oh. Well, we could use some time off too. The next round’s on us!”

Reno: “I said we’re here to get trash, not get trashed. We’re collecting recyclables. Some of us are actually trying to save the planet.”

Cloud: “What is that supposed to mean? We’re trying to save the planet too.”

Reno: “Yeah right. Do you have any idea how many trees had to die to make that guy’s suit?”


TCG:  “…” (Hangs head in shame.)

(The group continues to search the town.)

Cloud: “Forget it, this is hopeless. We can do without our materia. We’ll just go level up a bit outside.”

Tifa: “I’m afraid the situation is worse than you think. Someone has kidnapped TCG!”

Cloud: “Of all the insufferable things in this world...! OK, our priority is saving TCG. Where could they have taken him?”

Reno: “Elena is also missing…I guess we should work to get her for now.”

Rude: “…”

Reno: “What? OH. I meant ‘together’, not to get her. Although, they’re both technically what we’re going to do, so…never mind.”

(They go to the statue area.)

Cloud: “Corneo! I should’ve known you were behind this.”

Corneo: “Hahah, that’s right! I’ve captured Elena and Yuffie in order to make them my wives! And I also captured TCG for some reason. I don’t know…there’s just something sooooo sexy about a grown man in a tree costume…mmm (does pelvic thrust motion)”

TCG: “Gross-ness! Cloud, do something!”

Corneo: “Not so fast! One step closer and I’ll push this button, dropping all three of them to their certain demise.”

Reno: “That’s not a real remote control. It’s just a black deck of cards with a red cough drop and a silver Q-Tip stuck to it.”

Corneo: “NO! You saw through my ploy!”

Reno: “That’s right. Now guess why:
1) Because a card box with a cough drop and Q-Tip looks nothing like a remote control.
2) Because we have magic X-Ray glasses.
3) Because you touch yourself at night.”

Corneo: “Uhh…it could be number one. But it could also be number three…”

Rude: “Gross-ness! Just kill him already Reno.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/7/2004 12:24:45 AM | Message Detail

(The date scene.)

Cloud: “Ok, we have the keystone. Tomorrow we go to the Temple of the Ancients. For now, let’s go get some sleep.” (They all go to their rooms.)
(A knock on Cloud’s door.)

Cloud: “Come in.”

Tifa: “Wanna go on a date with me Cloud?”

Cloud: “Oh, gawd, no. Why would you even ask such a stupid question? Geez, get outa here.”
(Another knock.)

Cloud: “Come in.”

Yuffie: “Wanna go out?”

Cloud: “Gross-ness!”
(Another knock.)

Cait Sith: “Wanna g – “

Cloud: “NO! Man, what’s the deal with everyone today? Hey TCG, wanna go harass some tourists?”

TCG: “Do I ever!”

(Round Square)

Cloud: “Ok, ready?”

TCG: “Yup. Four hundred rancid hard boiled eggs, at our disposal.”

Cloud: “This is gunna be great…ready…NOW! Haha, take that jerks!”

TCG: “Booyah, I got some idiot right on top of his head!”
(on the ground)
Barret: “(smack) Aww, what the @#!%@$!!! From up there, eh? Take this!” (shoots randomly at the tram)

Cloud: “Uh oh. Abandon ship!!!!” (They jump out of the window.)

TCG: “Well, what else can we do?”

Cloud: “Let’s go put a bunch of ball bearings on the chocobo track.”

TCG: “Alright. And after that, we’ll go hide in the Battle Arena and cast random status effects on the participants.”

Cloud: “Heh, yeah. And then we’ll go shout out profanities during the play.  Especially at little kids!”

TCG: “Like, oh my gawd, I was just thinking the SAME THING!”

Cloud: “…”

TCG: “…”

Cloud and TCG to each other at the same time: “You can let go of my hand now.”

TCG: “…”

Cloud: “Now let’s just walk away slowly…”

TCG: “Agreed. Hey, isn’t that Cait Sith? What’s he doing with the Keystone!?”

Cloud: “Cait Sith! What are you doing?!”

Cait Sith: “You turn me down for a psycho in a damn tree costume and you expect me not to get back at you?”

TCG: “He’s got a good point there…”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/9/2004 11:16:56 PM | Message Detail

(The Temple of the Ancients.)

Tifa: “Ok, so now what do we do? Shinra has the Keystone, and without Aeris we can’t find the

Cloud: “Well, Rufus said earlier that they were headed South, towards the
Temple of the Ancients. So, we’ll head South from here.”

Tifa: “But what if that was just a trick to throw us off?”

Cloud: “It couldn’t have been. The letters were a different color in his speech bubble. According to the Handy Book of RPG Rules, that means there’s going to be something to do there. Can’t argue with the book, Tifa.”

Director: “(Hmm…Note to self: Mess with Cloud’s book later…)”

(At the Temple.)

Director: “Ok, we’re going to need an Aeris for this scene. Yuffie was it last time, so I guess it’s only fair that Tifa does it this time.”

Tifa: “Hold up, who do you think you are to be giving orders like that?”

Director: “Uhhh…the Director?”

Tifa: “Oh yeah…Alright, give me the costume.”

Director: “Let’s get started. Now remember, this is a real set. There’s no way out of this temple without solving its mysteries, which means I won’t be joining you. Only the camera crew will accompany you.”

Crewman1: “What?! I don’t want to go in there either! These guys are likely to get us all killed!”

Director: “I thought this might come up. Let me just read from your contracts: ‘We hereby agree to subject ourselves to the recklessness and sheer stupidity of the actors at any time it becomes necessary. We recognize and accept that this will likely result in great bodily harm on one or more occasions, and most likely an unpleasant death.’”

Crewman1: “Crap, I was hoping you didn’t remember that part of the contract.”

Director: “No such luck. Now get going. We only have the use of this temple for another day.”

(They enter the

Tifa(as Aeris): “Oh man, Tseng! What happened?”

Tseng: “I was in a hurry. I guess it’s true what the legend says: ‘Don’t run with the Keystone.’ That damn thing’s pointy!”

Tifa(as Aeris): “Oh. I thought maybe Sephiroth was here.”

Tseng: “He was. And it’s worse than you think…he was wearing an ‘all your base are belong to us’ T-shirt.”

Cloud: “Good God! His powers must be far superior to ours!”

Crewman1: “(Oh brother…)”

Cid: “What was that punk?”

Crewman1: “Oh come on. That joke was never funny. And Zero Wing sucked.”


Cid: “Oh, you’re dead ! (Uses Dynamite on him.)”

Cloud: “Anyone else?” … … “Didn’t think so.”

(Inside the

Cloud: "Oh great, a maze. Which way should we go?"

Barret: "Let's just follow that little short guy over there."

Cid: "Het you! Yeah, that's right, the short dude in the pointy hat! Get your ass over here!"

Cloud: "He's running...After him!" (they finally catch him)

Cid: "You're the Ancient, talk to him!"

Tifa(as Aeris): "Alright, you, tell us where Sephiroth is."

Pointy Hat Guy: "Gyah gurk snooood."

Tifa(as Aeris): "Don't play games with me, you tiny bastard. Tell me right now or I'll make you wear your ass like a hat!"

PHG: "Woah, easy lady. I just haven't talked in like a couple thousand years. Lay off me. Anyway, Sephiroth went that way."

Tifa(as Aeris): "See, now was that so hard? Man, what's wrong with guardian midget creatures these days?"

PHG: "They don't pay us much."

Tifa(as Aeris): "Cram the sob story gremlin. Come on, let's go Cloud."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/11/2004 10:06:04 PM | Message Detail

(Still in the

Cloud: “Hmmm…rolling rocks. It looks like we might be able to duck under them and make our way across.”

Cid: “I don’t know…what makes you so sure we can fit in those gaps?”

Crewman2: “Oh geez. It’s clearly just an illusion meant to trick you. Look over there. The rocks are just coming out of thin air!”

Cid: “If you’re so damn sure, then by all means, you can go first.”

Crewman2: “…Well…I…”

Cid: “Buh-kok!  Chi-ken!”

Crewman2:  "I don't see how that's relevant.  You're just as chicken."

Cid:  "Nuh uh.  No taunts backies!"

Crewman2:  "What?  I don't recall that rule."

Cid:  "It's in the book.  Right Cloud?"

Cloud:  "Actually, yes, it is."

Cid:  "Really?  I was just making it up.  Well then, guess you're stuck now, crewman."

Crewman2: “…Fine, I’m going. Whew. Ok, one, two, three, now duck, and – SQUICK!”

Tifa(as Aeris): “Oh gross! What a way to go.”

Crewman2: “(wheez)…I’m not quite de – SQUICK!”

Cloud: “Well at least now we know they’re real. Come on, let’s go through them. Everyone be careful and try not to slip on his guts.”

(They make it through and enter the clock room.)

Cloud: “Hmmm…doesn’t look safe. Someone should test it out.”

Everyone: “…”

Crewman3: “Oh, you guys are all a buncha cowards. I’ll test it. (Steps out to the first arm.) Fine so far…Now I’ll just work my way to the center and – (SLICE!) Owwww! My legs! Ahhhhhhh!”

Cid: “Ok, it looks safe as long as we don’t let that second hand slice our shins off. Man, it’s a good thing we had all of these crew guys to sacrifice. What horrible fate do you think is gunna befall that last poor bastard?”

Crewman4: “Hey! I can hear you, you know.”

Cloud: “Sorry. Let’s whisper, Cid. I think it’ll be …(whisper whisper)”

Cid: “See, I was thinking maybe …(whisper whisper)”
(They continue through the Temple to the Black Materia room.)

Cloud: “So this is the Black Materia. I guess we just take it and then leave. Woaahhh, the whole place moved! What’s the deal?”

Tifa(as Aeris): “I’ll find out. (looks at the ceiling for a while) The Temple is some sort of device. It’ll get smaller as we solve some puzzles. But the bad news is that it can only be done from the inside, and the Temple will shrink as we solve more puzzles. So whoever stays to solve the puzzles will be crushed horribly.”

Crewman4: “…”

Cloud: “How did you find all that out?”

Tifa(as Aeris): “From that cue card on the ceiling that the Director left for me. I MEAN, because I’m an Ancient…yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Cloud: “We can’t afford to sacrifice anyone. Not even the crewman. Someone has to finish filming this…”

Cid: “Let’s just force one of those guardian midget guys to do it. It’s not like they’re gunna be useful for anything else.”

Cloud: “Good idea. Let’s go get one.”
(they get one)
Cid: “Alright, listen up you little turd. Your job is to serve the Ancients, right? Well Aeris here wants that Black Materia. So we’re gunna leave, and then you’re gunna make this place shrink for us. Got it?”

PHG: “She’s not a real Ancient. My job is to protect the Ultimate Destructive Magic, Meteor!” (Morphs into a huge banana-shaped living dustpan creature with snorkels for arms, well-used plungers for legs, cacti for nostrils, and crust-covered 1980’s microwaves for eyes. Proceeds to smack Crewman4 with a slimy plunger into a snorkel, then uses him to blow his cacti. Wipes the remains on the crusty microwaves and then tosses him to the side.)

Cloud: “WOW. You were right, Cid!”

Cid: “Yeah, that’s how my dad died. You owe me a hundred bucks.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/20/2004 10:14:51 PM | Message Detail

(The scene where Cloud gives Sephiroth the black materia the first time.)
Cloud is walking towards Sephiroth, but the materia slips out of his hand and shatters into a thousand pieces on the ground.

Director: "Cut! For the love of god people, we can't afford any more broken props on this set. Not after what you guys did to the Cait Sith doll last night."

Cloud: "...sorry."

Sephiroth: "(pssst - ...I still haven't gotten over my hangover. What a party! What did we do to the doll?)

Cloud: "You don't wanna know."

Director: "All right, someone go paint a new black materia."

Cid: "(Whistling and slowly walking away.)"

Director: "Aw, dammit Cid! What happened to all the spare materia?"

Cid: "Well, uh...Vincent and I got bored since we're not in this scene. We kinda...maybe..."

Director: "I'm waiting..."

Vincent: "We used them to put inappropriate body parts on the new Cait Sith doll."

Director: "Oh, for the love of...Fine. We'll just use this rock I just found. Where the hell's the paint!!?"
(Director's phone rings.)
"Yeah. Uhh...fine. Whatever."

Tifa: "Who was that?"

Director: "The costume guy. It seems someone painted all of the costumes black."

Tifa: "...Aren't you mad?"

Director: "Nah, we'll just write a bunch of guys in black costumes into the story somewhere."



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/15/2004 10:24:13 PM | Message Detail

SPOILERS (Spoiler for Chrono Trigger near the end too.)
(Forgotten Capital.)

Cloud: "Hmmm...some sort of fish thing is blocking the path."

Cid: "So? Let's just kick its ass and move on!"

Fish Thing: "Not so fast! My job is to protect this shrine from outsiders. I can't let you past me."

Cloud: "Oh, no problem. We've got an Ancient with us."

Fish Thing: "She's not a real Ancient. That's just Tifa wearing Aeris's old costume."

Cid: "How the hell did you know that?"

Fish Thing: "Hellooooo, guardian fish creature! Haven't you ever read the Handy Book of RPG Rules? Guardian fish creatures always know more than they should."

Cloud: "What? That's not in my copy..."

Fish Thing: "It should be. Either way, I could tell from her acting that it wasn't Aeris. Aeris was a much better actress."

Tifa(as Aeris): "What?!! Oh, you're dead, fish. Beat Rush!!!!"

(Fish thing takes three steps to the right.)

Tifa(as Aeris): "Ahhhhhhh! Uff ufff owww oww uff ow..."

Yuffie: "Ouch. That's a lotta stairs."

Fish Thing: "HaHA! If you'd read your book, you'd know that guardian fish creatures always have a very high evade stat!"

Cloud: "Dammit, what’s wrong with my copy? We'll just use magic then. I just found this Comet materia right up there a few minutes ago...I'll try it out. Let's see...Comet!!!"

(Fish thing takes a few steps to the right again. The Comet flies past it and rolls down the stairs.)

Cloud: "Crap. Hmmm...hey Cid, get Cait Sith down here."

(Cait Sith shows up.)

Cloud: "Alright fish thing, I've got just the thing to take care of you...Take this!" (Shows Cait Sith to it.)

Fish Thing: "What, a useless plot tool?"

Cloud: "No, it's...A CAT!!!!!"

Fish Thing: "Oooo. Am I supposed to be scared? Here's what a think of your stupid cat." (Eats Cait Sith)

Cloud: "HaHA! You fell for it! He had a bomb in him. Now I just push this and..." (Fish Thing explodes.)

Cid: "Hey, you did it Cloud. Let's go check on Tifa."

(They head down the long glass staircase. Tifa is at the bottom, crushed underneath Cloud’s Comet.)

Cloud: “No! Tifa’s dead!!!! What’s this I’m feeling?...My eyes are burning, my throat is dry, my fingers are tingling…”

Cid: “I farted.”

Cloud: “I see…or rather, I smell.”

Cid: “No, I’m pretty sure I smell, seeing as I’m the one who farted.”

Yuffie: “Oh, both of you just shut up. Throw a Phoenix Down on her and let’s go.”

Cloud: “It’s not that simple. This was storyline, not battle. She’s gone for good.”

Yuffie: “What? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Battle or storyline, it shouldn’t make a difference. I get hit by worse stuff than this, and I’m always fine after a nice refreshing Phoenix Down.”

Cloud: “Yeah, but that’s always during battle, not storyline. Look, it’s right here in the Handy Book of RPG Rules. ‘Storyline deaths are different from battle. A character is only Knocked Out in battle. In the storyline, they are actually killed, and cannot be revived.’ See? Totally different.”

Yuffie: “What about that time you fell off of the bridge after the reactor raid? Shouldn’t you be dead from those injuries? It was storyline.”

Cloud: “Well…I guess I was just lucky. Anyway, Tifa is dead. There’s nothing we can do.”

Yuffie: “Wait, what about Crono in Chrono Trigger? They revived him after a storyline death.”

Cloud: “Yeah, but they were on a battle screen when he got killed. It’s totally different.”

Yuffie: “That’s soooo stupid. What’s the freakin’ difference? We fight the battles right on the damn map area where the storyline occurs.”

Cloud: “When the screen spins and fades before a battle, we enter an entirely new dimension where – “

Yuffie: “Riiiight…whatever. Let’s just dump her body in that pond and move on.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/17/2004 10:08:29 PM | Message Detail

(After Tifa’s Death.)

Cloud: “Then it’s settled. We all work together to make Sephiroth pay for his treachery!”

Cid: “What treachery? He hasn’t done anything in this version of the story. Whoever the idiot writing this is, he sure didn’t plan ahead very well. With all of the plot changes he’s made, we don’t have a reason to go after Sephiroth. Hell, we don’t really have any enemies to drive the plot right now.”

Cloud: “Hmm…You’re right. What an idiot. How is this stupid movie supposed to continue without a villain?”

Barret: “Hey guys, I just found this note lying outside the door. It says: ‘Sephiroth took the page about Guardian Fish Creatures out of your book.’ It’s from the writer.”

Cloud: “What?!!?! Oh, you’ll pay for that, Sephiroth! Let’s go get him guys.”

Cid: “I don’t know…he didn’t really do anything to me.”

Yuffie: “Me either.”
Vincent: “Me either.”
Barret: “Me either.”
TCG: “Me either.”

Director: “Hey guys, I just found this letter outside. It’s from the writer. It says: ‘Cid, Sephiroth’s the one who really puked on your command chair. He framed Shera and brainwashed her into thinking she did it. Yuffie, Sephiroth’s responsible for the graffiti in Wutai that says Ninjas Suck. Vincent, Sephiroth is responsible for the whole goldfish incident that happened a few days ago. Barret, Sephiroth is responsible the egg incident at the Gold Saucer. TCG, Sephiroth told me that Arbor Day is for Pansies.’”

Everyone: “!!!!!!!!!”

Cloud: “Ok, so now we’re all involved in this. Let’s mosey.”

Director: “Eh, I’ve grown tired of this job. I think I’ll just leave and let you guys fend for yourselves – Oh wait, there’s another letter on the ground here. ‘Director, Sephiroth is the one who recommended you for this job.’ That son of a…! Ok, I’m in.”

(They head one screen to the north from the house they were in.  The screen with the shell/skeleton thing.)

Cloud: “Looks like there’s a treasure chest over there. I’ll go see what’s inside. Whoops, I walked a little too close to this skeleton thing. Hey! I don’t want to go all the way to the top! Why can’t my feet stop?”

Cid: “I’ll get it for you. Whoops!”

Yuffie: “Hmmm...perhaps a little to the left…Bingo. Man, you guys are stupid.”

Cloud: “I can see the exit over there, but how do I get to it? Maybe if I…NO! I don’t want to go all the way back down, dammit! Stop, legs, stop!”

Cid: “Maybe if we curl around this way…Oh great, now I’m on the top and there’s no way down.”

Yuffie: “You guys are hopeless. Observe.”

Cloud: “Ahhhhh. Somehow, I don’t think I’ll remember that the next time I’m here…”

(They enter the next screen with the cracks in the wall to climb.)

Cloud: “Looks pretty straight forward. A couple of items to get…nothing too hard. Let’s split up. I’ll go get that one, Cid gets that one, and Barret gets that one.”

(They get all of the items.)

TCG: “Hey Cloud, it looks like there’s a materia down at the end of this ladder.”

Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, Barret, and TCG: “NOT DOING IT!”

Cloud: “Oh, bad luck Director.”

Director: “Yeah right, I’m not doing your dirty work for you.”

Cloud: “You want to be a part of the team to get back at Sephiroth, right? Then go get it.”

Director: “Uhhg. Fine, I’m going…Huff…wheez…”

Cid: “Come on, we don’t have all day.”

Director: “Sorry, but these damn things take forever to climb. There, I’ve got it. I’m coming back up.”

TCG: “(Hey Cloud, do you still have that jar of heinous vampire paste?)”

Cloud: “(I was just thinking the same thing…Time for a little revenge, Director…)”

(Pours the paste all over the ladder.)

Director: “(Breathing extra heavy because of the ladder.) Ok, I’m almost there – Oh GAWD! What the hell is that?!! It burns!!!!!!!! AHHHH (pukes so hard he falls off the ladder)”

Cid: “Oh great. We could be here forever waiting for him to climb back up.”

Cloud: “It was worth it.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/21/2004 8:55:39 PM | Message Detail

(Icicle Inn Part I)

Cloud: “Finally, another town. You know what that means…Weapon upgrades for everyone!!!!”

New Cait Sith: “Even me?”

Cloud: “Ahahahah, good one. Of course not for you. I might as well use Coin if I’m gunna throw my money away like that! Anyway, let’s have a look around town. We’ll start with that house on the right. We’ll just bust on in and take anything valuable, like always, with reckless disregard for the consequences.”

TCG: “Sounds good to me.” (They enter the house.)

Yuffie: “I found a Vaccine and a Hero Drink in that little room over there. Let’s use them right off the bat in some worthless battle to find out what they do, and then we’ll be pissed later when we find out how valuable and rare they are.”

Cloud: “Alright. Hey look, there’s a map on the wall over here. Think we can use it?”

TCG: “Dunno. Just take it anyway. I mean, it’s not like it takes up any room in our inventory compared to the dozens of swords and other stuff that we constantly carry around with us.”

Cloud: “You’re right. (Tries to take the map.) What’s this? Two options…Take It or Don’t Take It. Maybe we should ask the dude that lives here first…”

Yuffie: “What for? You know we’ll just take it anyway no matter what the dude says. Let’s just take it now and save ourselves the lecture. Even if he catches us, what’s he gunna do about it?”

Cloud: “Good point.” (Takes the map.)

Map Guy: “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing, punk? You think you can just barge into my house and take my map that I worked for years on? You’ve got some nerve, kid. I mean, if you would’ve asked, I probably would have let you have it. But to take it without asking?!!!”

Cloud: “…Sorry. Here, we’ll give it back.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/21/2004 8:55:39 PM | Message Detail

(Icicle Inn Part II)

Map Guy: “Oh, and that’s supposed to just make everything OK? You make me sick. I’m gunna teach you all a lesson. I summon Yeti, the mighty snow beast of frozen doom!” (Proceeds to do some sort of crazy dance that looks like a mixture of the chicken dance and someone who’s caught on fire.)

(Nothing Happens.)

Map Guy: “I said, I summon Yeti, the mighty snow beast of doom!” (Repeats dance. Still nothing. Map Guy continues to jump around like a moron.)

Cloud: “(…)”

TCG: “(What the hell? Let’s just walk away slowly…)”

(The group heads down towards the hill.)

Helpful Citizen: “Hey, you can’t go down there. It’s too dangerous!”

Cloud: “Who the hell do you think you are? We’re not just some stupid tourists. That’s just a freakin’ hill lady, I assure you that we’ve been through much worse. Geesh, NPCs these days.”

Helpful Citizen: “Yikes. Lay off me dude, I can only say what I’ve been told to say. Speaking of which, who’s that over there?”

Elena: “Cloud, wait up! How could you do my boss in like that!”

Cloud: “What, you mean Tseng? It wasn’t us, I swear. He tripped and fell on the Keystone.”

Elena: “Don’t give me that crap, you liar. I guess I’ll just have to teach you a lesson. I summon Yeti!” (Proceeds to do some sort of crazy dance that looks like a mixture of the chicken dance and someone who’s caught on fire.)

Cloud: “Oh please. The Map Guy already tried that stupid summon. It’s not going to help you.”

Elena: “I see…In that case, I guess I’ll just have to slug you.” (Throws a huge punch at Cloud. Right before it hits, Yeti appears, and the blow hits it on the elbow.)

Yeti: “BAH! Wow, that smarts. What’s the big idea lady? You summon me and then you think you can just elbow shot me? Oh, you’re dead.” Chases Elena around wildly.)

Cloud: “Yeah…whatever. Let’s just grab a snowboard and go down the hill.”

Yuffie: “How are we going to fit three of us onto one snowboard?”

Cloud: “Pfft, it’s just a game. It doesn’t always have to make sense. But if you insist, I’ll go down first and then throw the board back up really hard. Then you go down and throw it up, then TCG, and so on.”

Yuffie: “How the hell are you going to throw a snowboard up a huge ass hill like that?”

Cloud: “…Dunno. Stick Gravity+Elemental on it?”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 2/26/2004 6:52:52 PM | Message Detail


Cloud: “OK, we’ve got plenty of snowboards thanks to the surfers from Costa del Sol. Last one down the hill’s a rotten egg!”

Cid: “What the hell does that even mean? Oooooh, I’m a smelly breakfast ingredient. Who cares?”

TCG: “Yeah, really. I don’t think being called a rotten egg is all that big of a deal. Well, maybe if it was a really bad smelling egg…How bad is the smell? Is it like, skunk level, or is it like that vampire paste you had earlier?”

Cloud: “Ummm…I guess it’d have to be even worse than the vampire paste was.”

Cid: “Meh, it’s still not worth the trouble.”

Cloud: “Fine. Last one down the hill is …AERIS!”

Everyone: “!!!!!!!!!” (They all run towards the start of the hill and start down it.)

Barret: “This isn’t as hard as it looks. It’s actually kind of fun. Just let the hill take you down, no obstacles or anything…Yup, a nice, peaceful trip down the hill.”

Defcon: “You’re still alive!!!??!!! I thought I killed you off earlier or something…but I can’t remember exactly.”

Barret: “Nope, still alive. Check the last few bloopers and you’ll see me in there a few times.”

Defcon: “Meh, I’m too lazy to look back at them. I’ll just assume that I didn’t write you out. And if I did write you out earlier, I’ll just come up with some bogus excuse for you to still be alive.”

Barret: “Thanks buddy.”

Cloud: “Who the hell are you talking to, Barret?”

Barret: “Uh…no one. I was just thinking about how peaceful this trip down the hill has been. Hey, what’s that?”

Cloud: “Hmmm, looks like the path is starting to get rougher. We’d better be careful.”

Cid: “Yeah, bull! You’re just trying to trick us into slowing down. Then you’ll get ahead of us so that we lose, and then you’ll call us Aeris for the rest of our lives! I’m going all out, boy!” (Get’s up to an insane speed and races down the mountain with complete disregard for the consequences.)

Barret: “Cid, look out for that – “

Cid: “Oooofffff!” (Slams into a tree.)

Cloud: “Cid! Are you OK?”

Cid: “Well…yes, actually. I feel fine. A little stretch should be all I need. Ahhhh, that’s the stuff.”

Yuffie: “Woah, hold up. That should definitely have killed you. This is storyline, not battle!”

Cloud: “No, this is a minigame. There’s a huge difference.”

Yuffie: “BS. This is storyline. We can’t continue without it, so even if it’s a minigame, it’s storyline too!”

Cid: “(Uh oh, she’s got us there, Cloud. Looks like our whole weak defense of battle versus storyline deaths is collapsing on us…)”

Cloud: “No! Uhh….This tree is an enemy! (yeah, that’ll work nicely…) Therefore, this is a battle!”

Yuffie: “Whatever. This is total BS, right Defcon?”

Defcon: “Yup.”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 3/10/2004 1:43:00 PM | Message Detail

I suppose I'll crawl out from my hiding place for another post. This might be funny to some, but probably not. I'm sorry either way, but I just thought of it and it made me laugh, so:

(Great Glacier, walking to the screen before the one with the bergs that change size as you jump.)

Cloud: "Hey, what's that over there? It can't be...! But it is! A potion! Oh man, we're rich! The Brady guide said there was poison here, but it's a potion! Wooohoooo!"

Yuffie: "It's mine! I saw it first!"

TCG: "No way thief, it's mine!"

(All three of them race towards the potion. They all get a hold of it at the same time and start fighting for it.)

Cid: "Guys, it's just a freakin' potion. We have fifty more of them in our supplies. Besides, it's a whole whopping Hundred hit points. Who cares? Also, what if it's a poisoned potion?"

(Cloud, Yuffie, and TCG think about it for a while, and then finally let go of the possibly poisoned potion.)

Cid: "Come on, let's continue our journey."

(They start walking...)

Cid: "HAHA! The possibly poisoned potion's mine now!"

(Grabs the possibly poisoned potion off the ground and goes running off away from the group.)"

Cloud: "After him!"

Yuffie: "Nah. He'll pass out from the cold eventually and end up in Holzoff's Cabin. We can just get him there."
Well, that's it.

And Talic, could you do me a favor? It should be 'mosey' in your sig. It really bothers me...



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 3/24/2004 10:17:06 PM | Message Detail

Well, I finally caught up with all of the old ones. The only one left is the Carry Armor Scene, but I'll hold on to that until I reach it in the timeline. For now, enjoy this new one:

(Great Glacier again…)

Director: “Holy crap, it’s cold out here! We’ve got to find a way to warm ourselves up.”

Cloud: “Yeah. But how are we going to do that? There’s nothing out here that even remotely resembles anything warm. Nope, notta thing. Even if there was something out here, what are the odds that we’d just happen to find it rando – Ahhhhh!: (Walks directly off of the path and falls into the Hot Spring.)”

Yuffie: “Woah, are you OK Cloud?”

Cloud: “Oh GAWD! It burns! Ahhhh, the scalding! Aieee!”

Director: “…Meh, he looks fine to me. Let’s keep going.”

(Cloud drags himself out of the Hot Spring.)

Cloud: “Oh man, that hurts. Look, it melted my sword! What a cheap piece of crap.”

Yuffie: “Uhhh, Cloud? That wasn’t your sword. It was the snowman you built earlier and refused to leave behind. Your sword’s still on your back.”

Cloud: “I see…Then this wasn’t my bangle?”

Yuffie: “(sigh…) No, that was the snowwoman you built to keep the snowman company.”

Cloud: “Interesting…”

Director: “No it isn’t! You’re just stupid! Come on, let’s get moving.”

(They enter the snowfield area.)

Director: “Great. How are we supposed to know which way to go?”

Yuffie: “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just drop these markers behind us as we go.”

(They continue on for awhile with no problems. Then the screen spins…)

Director: “Crap. Well, let’s just check the markers to see – What the hell?!??!”

Yuffie: “Cloud! What the hell are you doing?!!”

Cloud: (Munch) MMMmmm. Delicious candy canes...(Munch) I was starving! (Munch) You guys want some?”

Director: “No we don’t want one you stooge! Those were the only way we had to keep track of where we were going. Now what are we supposed to do?!”

Cloud: “Ummm…Let’s just head that way.”

(They end up at Snow’s Cave.)

Yuffie: “Hey, is it alright if we stay here for awhile to warm up?”

Snow: “Well, that depends. None of you touched that Hot Spring, did you?”

Director: “Nope.”

Yuffie: “Negative.”

Cloud: “Uh…no…(shifty eyes)”

Snow: “Liar! I can tell you’re lying, ‘cause your face is bright red!”

Cloud: “Actually, it’s red because I scalded it when I fell into that Hot Spring earlier, not because I’m lying.”

Director: “(Smacks forehead.)”

Snow: “I knew it! Well, I guess we have to fight to the death now.”

Cloud: “Fine. I’ll just summon Ifrit.” (Summons Ifrit)

Ifrit: “Ugh, not you again…(sigh) What can I do for you this time?”

Cloud: “Will you build me a new snowman, pretty please?!?! My old ones got melted.”

Ifrit: “(…) Uh…what’s that over there?!”

(Cloud looks. Ifrit grabs the summon materia from Cloud’s hand.)

Ifrit: “Hahah! I’m a free genie now, jerkface! See you in hell!” (Skips off smiling like an idiot.)

Cloud: “Damn. You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after Ramuh, Titan, and Bahamut all did that exact same thing.”

Cloud: 'No, attack its lasers with our tails as a counter. No...I mean build counters with lasers for our tails.' -FFVII Blooper #1, Guard Scorpion Scene


From: Deuce ex Defcon | Posted: 3/27/2004 11:53:15 AM | Message Detail

SPOILERS (Spoilers for FFVII and FFVI)
Holzoff’s Cabin, Gaea’s Cliff

TCG: “Look, a cabin! We’re saved!”

(They enter Holzoff’s Cabin.)

Holzoff: “You the clock maker? Get to work! That coo-coo clock hasn’t worked for years!”

Vincent: “I’m not a clock maker. I’m with the Shinra Manfacturing Department in Administrative Research, otherwise known as the Turks.”

Cloud: “You sure like that line, Vincent…”

Vincent: “It sounds cool…Oh. And now that I think about it, I did work on some top-secret clock research for Shinra back in the day.”

Holzoff: “Then get to work!”

Vincent: “…This isn’t a coo-coo clock. It’s a dead canary strung up with some dental floss. And…some sick bastard has drawn a smiley face on the poor thing. Who the hell are you, anyway?”

Holzoff: “Hyuk! I’m Gau’s father! I’m also craaaazzzzzy!!!”

Cloud: “Wrong game dude. Gau was in VI, not VII.”

Holzoff: “Oh. Well then, I’m…Master Duncan! I live alone in the middle of nowhere, dreaming up martial arts techniques to teach my students!”

TCG: “Uh…that’s still VI dude.”

Holzoff: “Seriously? Ok then…I’m the dude from Kohlingen’s brother! I’m living alone out here while I plot to construct an arena to celebrate the spirit of the fight!”

Vincent: “Nope, still VI. Come on, let’s get the hell out of here, Cloud.”

(Gaea’s Cliff)

Cloud: “So this is Gaea’s Cliff, eh? I hear there’s a Ribbon in a secret area somewhere up here.”

TCG: “Pffft, what a stupid rumor. If there was a Ribbon up here, it’d be in the Brady Games Guide.”

Vincent: “Not necessarily. The Brady Guide has all sorts of errors in it. Hell, it doesn’t even have you or the Director listed as playable characters!”

Director: “…”

David Cassady: “Alright, that’s it! I’m tired of people bad-mouthing my guide. If anyone could do a better one, they would have done it by now.”

Deuce: “They have, you fool. Yours was so bad, it would have been hard to make one that wasn’t better.”

Cassady: “Oh, look at mister big-shot over there, thinking he’s so great because he knows more about a damn game than I do. Get a life, loser.”

Cloud: “Who the hell are you people, and how the hell did you get up on this cliff?”

Deuce: “Stay out of this, doorstop-head. This is between me and Cassady.”

Cassady: “Oh, I’m soooo scared. What’s the gamer-geek gunna do? Call his mommy? Boo-hoo, I’m a big baby, I’m gunna complain because someone’s guide isn’t as good as it could be! Man, what a loser.”

Deuce: “Argh. Someone needs to mod this guy already. I’d do it, but I hate that mod system.”

(Sephiroth comes down from the ceiling and impales Cassady.)

Sephiroth: “How was that for moderation? Too harsh? Not harsh enough? Reasonable? Thank you for using Meta-Mod.”

Director: “(What the hell is going on?)”

Cloud: “(I don’t know. I think the writer’s finally completely lost it. Let’s just walk away slowly…)”

99.9% flame-free and 99.9% free of incorrect/baseless information.


From: Deuce ex Defcon | Posted: 3/31/2004 7:56:20 PM | Message Detail

Eh...It's not my best material, but what the hell:

(Still on Gaea’s Cliff.)

TCG: “Crap, there are some small rocks blocking our path. I guess we’re stuck.”

Cid: “What the hell are you talking about? We just climbed up an entire freakin’ cliff in the freezing cold, and you don’t think we can climb over these pitiful little things? Psh. Observe.”

(Cid struggles to get around the pitiful obstruction, but can’t do it.)

Cid: “What the hell? This should be so easy to climb…I smell a plot hole.”

Cloud: “Hmm…looks like this boulder might be able to roll down this path and clear the way so we can progress. I’ll just give it a nice little kick to get it started.”

(Cloud kicks the boulder.)

Cloud: “Oh GAWD, my damn foot! Man that smarts!” (Hops around on one foot, holding his other one. Eventually he loses his balance and falls off of the ledge. He rolls down the path and ends up in the secret area with the Ribbon.)

TCG: “Cloud? Where’d you go?”

Cloud: “Look! I found the secret Ribbon!”

Cid: “No way! For real!? Let’s go post it on board=2000013. They’re never gunna believe this!”

Director: “Psh. You’re such a n00b, Cid. Come on, let’s keep going.”

(The group encounters some Zolokalters.)

Director: “What…are they doing?”

Cloud: “Looks like they’re poisoning each other for some reason…must be a glitch in the game. Kinda funny really.”

TCG: “It’s…mesmerizing…”

Cloud: “Uh oh. Hey, what are you doing?!?!” (TCG casts Poison on Cloud.)

Director: “Oh great, you forgot to put that new Ribbon on, didn’t you.”

Cloud: “Yes. Hurry up and finish this battle. I’m out of Phoenix Downs!”

Director: “Uh oh. Hey Cid, help us out!”

Cid: “I’d love to, but you know better. Only three people are allowed in a battle at once.”

Director: “Oh. That’s right, I forgot.”

(They finish the battle just in time.)

Cloud: “Yikes. That was a close call.”

Cid: “Yeah. Anyway, let’s keep heading up.”

(They run into a Malboro on the next screen.)

Cloud: “Oh crap, I forgot to equip that Ribbon again.” (Malboro casts a buhzillion status effects on Cloud. They barely finish the battle again.)

Cid: “Well, I hope you learned your lesson this time Cloud.”

Cloud: “What lesson? Hey, what’s this? ‘Last Elixir’, it says. Does that mean this is the last elixir we’ll ever get in the entire game? Wow, we’d better be careful with it I guess.”

TCG: “Yeah. Here, I’ll put it in a safe pla – CLOUD!”

Cloud: “(Drinking the Last Elixir) What? Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot already.”

'I was in a hurry. I guess it's true what the legend says: 'Don't run with the Keystone.' That damn thing's pointy!' Tseng, FFVII Blooper


From: Defcon999 | Posted: 1/22/2004 9:50:03 PM | Message Detail

(While fighting Carry Armor.)
Director: “Action!”

Cloud: “Pffft, you call this a boss Reno? “

Reno: “Yeah…well…they don’t pay us much. Besides, we’re saving for new suits. We don’t want to look like Vincent.”

Yuffie: “Woah, you got burnt Vincent!”

Vincent: “Just wait till I cast Beast Flare on your ass later you little…Ackkk! Gah, help me guys! It’s got me in one of its arms!”

Yuffie: “Oh man, do something Cloud!”

Cloud: “I don’t get it. It’s not even carrying any armor…Is it supposed to carry armor? I mean, like, is that what it was built to do or something, and it’s just not in use right now? I guess that would make sense.”

Director’s Assistant: “(Is he really that dumb?)”

Director: “(Yup. Yesterday he accidentally cut off all of his hair doing his victory move. Those are just a bunch of doorstops on his head. I painted them yellow and glued them on last night while he was asleep. He thinks his hair just grows really fast.)”

Yuffie: “I guess it’s up to me. All Creation!!!!!”

Vincent: “Gyah! Watch where you aim that!”

Yuffie: “Hey, this is no time for fighting. You’re free right? Now let’s take care of this thing.”

Vincent: “(Oh, I’ll take care of something all right…) Galian Beast!!!! Hah, now to rid this game of you once and for all, Yuffie!!

Vincent: “What the hell? I can’t control my attacks anymore!”

Director: “(What a dumbass.)”

Director’s Assistant: “(Shouldn’t we stop this?)”

Director: “(No. Hopefully they’ll kill themselves.)”

Cloud: “They call it Carry Armor, but it doesn’t carry any armor. Why would they use a name that has nothing to do with the thing? If they’d called it Mechanical Arm Mechanism of Doom, I would understand I guess. But Carry Armor? That’s just dumb.”

Yuffie: “Uh oh. He’s…Confused!”

(Cloud begins to spin in a circle and swing randomly.)

Director’s Assistant: “You’ve got to say something that will make it make sense to him!”

(A random Cloud swing slices the assistant in half)

Director: “(…wow, Cloud was useful for once…)”

Yuffie: “Uhhh….OK, I got it! Listen Cloud, Reno named that thing after his ex-girlfriend. Her name was Keri Armer.”

Cloud: “Oh. Now THAT makes sense. ‘Cause that whole Carry Armor thing was stupid. I mean, why would they call it Carry Armor when it doesn’t even-“

Yuffie: “Shut up and use Omnislash on it already.”

Director: “(This is our best scene so far…I need a vacation.)”



From: Defcon999 | Posted: 4/1/2004 5:30:41 PM | Message Detail

Not really a Blooper, but I've been inspired to write a mockery of a materia. Let me know if it's funny or not:

Kites of the Round: Thirteen kites, each more elaborate than the next, fly past the enemies and poke them in the eye with their corners. The final kite is larger than the rest, and gets charged with a lightning bolt before poking the enemy's eye.

'The Brady Guide has all sorts of errors in it. Hell, it doesn't even have you or the Director listed as playable characters!' - Ridiculous Blooper quote.


From: Defcon999 | Posted: 4/2/2004 8:16:03 AM | Message Detail

Well, not a new Blooper, but hopefully these materia mockeries will entertain you for about two minutes:

Bahamut Zero: An unnecessarily long animation occurs, followed by an attack that will always do Zero damage. But man does it look cool to cast it…

Comet: A snow-like powder comes out of nowhere and cleans your sinks or anything else that may need cleaning.

Counter Attack: Summons a walking talking countertop monster with below-average intelligence that will attack your party at least half of the time.

Exit: One of those plastic boxes with the red letters comes on the screen and stays there for a few seconds. This spell has no effect, but it's unexplainably funny every time you cast it.

Magic Counter: Yet another walking talking countertop creature. This one can also dance! Seems pretty damn magical to me.

Mime: Summons a terrible mime that proceeds to humiliate itself in front of you and your enemies until you tap the Circle button enough times to boo it off of the stage. This attack not only costs you MP, but it also costs you HP for every second that you let it stay on the screen. That damage represents the number of brain cells its terrible performance will cause you to lose, as well as the damage your characters will take from the horrible faces of agony they'll be making while the mime is performing.

Neo Bahamut: Neo from the Matrix appears while riding on Bahamut's back. He falls off, and Bahamut eats him. He then pukes him at the enemy, and the rancid Neo-vomit causes an amount of damage based on an unnecessarily difficult to understand mathematical formula that somehow uses the letter H as a whole number value.

Poison: The band Poison appears on the screen and plays a song. Instant game over.

Ramuh: A sheep comes on the screen and rams ewe.

Sneaker Attack: A Nike commercial comes on the screen and has nothing to do with Final Fantasy VII or shoes. Go figure.

'The Brady Guide has all sorts of errors in it. Hell, it doesn't even have you or the Director listed as playable characters!' - Ridiculous Blooper quote.


From: Defcon999 | Posted: 4/4/2004 12:08:24 PM | Message Detail

I'm glad someone liked them. Anyway:

Someone ought to mention Sephiroth fanboys/fangirls. I tried making a blooper on it, but it just didn't turn out well. =/

I’ll give it a shot. Here it goes:

(After a scene with Sephiroth.)

Director: “Ok everyone, that’s a wrap.”

Sephiroth: “Great. I’ll be in my dressing room.”
(Enters dressing room and closes door behind him.)
Sephiroth: “Thank god, now I can take this freakin’ girdle off. (Undoes his girdle.) Ahhhhhh! (huge gut spills out from under the girdle.) Man, that’s better.”

Assistant: “(Knocks on door.) Sephiroth? There are some fangirls here to see you. Can I let them in?”

Sephiroth: “(Uh oh.) No!!! Give me a minute. (Struggles to reattach girdle. Ends up breaking the strings.) Oh no! Uh…uh….!!! Dammit! There has to be something I can use to tie this thing! Oooh, that’ll work!”

(Ties girdle with a few extension cords that were on the ground.)

Sephiroth: “There, that doesn’t look too bad. A little tight though…OK, send in my fans!”

Fangirl1: “Like, OMG, it’s teh Sephy!!!”

Fangirl2: “Umm…Sephiroth, why are there extension cords dangling out of your shirt?”

Sephiroth: “Umm…they’re not extension cords. It’s an accessory that gives me 50% lightning resistance. Yeah, that excuse will do…”

Fangirl1: “Can I get a picture Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, sure. Here you go.” (Hands her a pitcher of water.)

Fangirl1: “Uh, no, I meant a picture, not a pitcher.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, of course. I’ll be right back.” (Goes outside for a few minutes.)

Sephiroth: “Here you go.” (Gives her Nolan Ryan.)

Fangirl2: “Oh man, are you stupid or something? She wants a PICTURE, not a PITCHER.”

Sephiroth: “(Crap, I can’t let them get a picture of me when I’m like this…) Um, sure. Let me just go get my camera…” (Starts to edge towards the door.)

Fangirl1: “I have my own camera.”

Fangirl2: “You moron, he’s not getting his camera, he’s trying to run! After him!”

(Sephiroth makes a run for it.)

Sephiroth: “Gasp! So…hard…to breathe! Extension cords…cutting off…circulation!” (Passes out)

Fangirl1: “Yay! We’ve got him! Now what do we do?”

Fangirl2: “Let’s just drag him home with us and keep him in the basement.”

(They struggle to drag the secretly-hefty Sephiroth.)

Fangirl2: “Holy crap, he must weigh at least two fifty
. Screw it, let’s go hit on TCG.”

'The Brady Guide has all sorts of errors in it. Hell, it doesn't even have you or the Director listed as playable characters!' - Ridiculous Blooper quote.



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